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Editorial The Angry Teenager #2

Well give me my My Chemical Romance CDs and allow me to feel more angst and pain than you EVER could, I truly am the angriest teenager on the planet. I’m here to ruin your income tax by applying for higher education only to drop out midway through first year after being disappointed to find the student Union doesn’t sell pints for under £2. Read your bills and weep working class..

Date: 26/02/08

Last week was annual backslap-athon, the Mastercard sponsored Brit Awards, ( I saw Amy Winehouse chopping something up with a Mastercard although I may have been mistaken.) A whole platitude of things irk me about the Brits, maybe its that all the winners come from their own (questionable) talent school or maybe it’s the fact that all those Mika CD’s that were sold in order to make him ‘Best British Breakthrough Act’ could have been used, in the right hands, to slice his yowling, banshee-like self up into more pieces than my derisory state school education taught me to count up to, (that’d be eight incidentally.) With this in mind I thought I’d write a little top five of things that plain pissed me off about the Brits. Enjoy!..or don’t, it’s up to you really:

5. Take That winning Best Live Act

A personal gripe this one what with my beloved ‘look we’re an alternative band but we sold out Wembley Stadium twice which hang on makes us not very alternative at all..actually’ Muse barely being even mentioned in this category, defeated as they were by a “boy”band currently sitting in their mid to late 30s and possessing a lead vocalist in Gary Barlow who looks like he’s carrying about 30lbs too much. It’s widely acknowledged that the only fat people in memory to make a successful live show are Meatloaf and Solomon Burke. Fact.

4. Fearne Cotton

Just in general really; presenting Top Of The Tops as it laboured around like a dying fox waiting to be put out of it’s misery by a group of angry hounds (oh sorry they don’t allow that anymore do they, although I see little evidence of change) does not make you a worthy spokesperson on music; be it sensationalised tripe or otherwise. At one point I thought she had her head so far up Mark Ronson’s arse that she might suffocate and reach an untimely end. Sadly seconds later out she popped, yet more unbelievably still sporting that ‘made on Children’s TV’ styled sickly, patronising grin.

3. Paul McCartney winning Lifetime Achievement Award

Not so much his win, although one has to argue that his creative output since the Beatles is somewhat similar to his daily excrement output. No, what grated me was the baffling amount of people even younger than me down the front squealing away as “Macca” ,as he’s known in some sections, croaked and fumbled his way through his usual staple of hits. It could have been Mick Jagger for all they knew instead of the Beatles-milking, recently lighter of pocket ex-superstar. Do yourself a favour and let the folks more deserving of sharing in his dubious glory get down the front.

2. The Osbournes

Any explanation needed?

  1. Mark Ronson

Ahh Ronson, the man who takes a track, puts a Lake Windermere sized amount of brass over the top of it like a six year old putting far, far too much chocolate sauce over his ice-cream, and calls himself a producer. We all know what happens when that’s the case dear readers- we feel queasy and have to lie down for six hours because if the mouth (or in this case) ear freeze doesn’t get us the sickly sweetness will. Not only did the famous knob twiddler manage to bag himself best British Male (what? No Lee Ryan?), he also managed to put in a what could generously be described as a ‘mediocre’ performance onstage, complete with his baffling doubled necked guitar.

Presumably the second neck was insurance to prevent his own neck from going on the block, because he sure as hell didn’t play a note on it. There’s only one place for Ronson; a place where people constantly have the horn and where old legends are regurgitated years after they were first successful- yes, maybe Mark with sleazy good looks and constant fixed smile should make a name for himself in the adult film industry. To cap it all he’s also a massive penis. Match made in heaven.

Until next week readers when we find out what happened when Johnny Borrell stuck out his tongue to the Doge of Venice, whether Gareth Campesinos really can spell ‘hahahaha I destroyed the hope and dreams of a generation of faux-romantics’ and what kind of fabric softener Mika uses. Good day!

Words: The Angry Teenager

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