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The Angry Teenager on Audioscribbler

Hand me that roughly hewn chisel and watch me painstakingly chip my initials into the wall around the back of the bus station for it is I, The Angry Teenager, here to wreak havoc on you auld ‘uns by listening to unfeasibly loud music, loitering on your street corner and wearing hoodies.

Remember a time before all creatures great and small started trawling around the country in order to audition their wares for numerous reality talent shows, in the hope that they might make a Christmas number 1 and, *gasp*, get on the TEE-VEE? No, I don’t either, but apparently the wicked witches of the format Girls Aloud do, and don’t like anything or anyone who hasn’t gone through the arse-kissing, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, whose-do-I-have-to-suck? Career progression that they have.

Taking time out from getting cheated on by 5’7 drink stands-cum-professional footballers, the girls release a B-side called Hoxton Heroes next month which features some quite, quite cutting lyrics aimed at all those wearing trilbies and pipe jeans. You're off your face like you're no one,” the girls sing. “How many tracks have sold, hmm, none/Walk round the place like you're number one.”

Presumably the ‘hmmm’ suggests the girls took quite a while working out how to count up to the terrifyingly high figure of ‘none’. As if that doesn’t hurt our precious Mighty Boosh loving ears enough, the hellcats go on to proclaim. “So why don't you write a tune that we can hum/Just cos your dad knew the Rolling Stones/You've got the Primrose set in your cell phone/ Don't kid yourself you're an indie clone/We've seen it before.” Rumours that The View’s Kyle Falconer quit the music industry after being dismantled in such a way were sadly unfounded, although there remains hope that Luke Pritchard’s whereabouts remain unknown. Tosser!

But wait a minute dear readers, aren’t we currently being caught in some kind of terrible time warp wherein “indie” boys successfully make it, only to be knocked disparagingly out of the way by a set of pop waxwork models claiming to pass as genuine people? After all, as the Spice Girls put it ten years ago “who do you think you are? Some kind of superstar?” Indeed this could start an indie cull not seen since the likes of poor Echobelly and Lush bit the dust in the wake of Girl PowerTM.

What’s going to happen? Will all those attired in apparent “indie” clothing be forced to walk through disinfectant upon entering Camden Town in case the spread of failure passes on to those precariously holding out from the cull? Will bands be banned from being transported around the country on tour in case infection spreads? If, as I fully expect it will, the impending apocalypse on the NME-loved ones comes to pass it does then I’ve my money on Reverend & The Makers, Pigeon Detectives and The Little Ones being the first to go. Sorry guys. In better news Oxfam will surely announce an increase in money raised after a mysterious increase of relevant, fashionable clothing being donated to their stores London-wide. Hurrah for charity!

Until next time readers when I’ll enlighten you with tales of what happened when I was caught smoking around the back of the bike sheds; and discuss topical issues including: which is the best way to measure the gap between Jonny Borrell’s teeth, and The Wombats: music’s appendix or something even less than that? Good day!

Words: The Angry Teenager

The first airing on a public online site of the Angry Teenager..bless 'im. Audioscribbler.co.uk is a wee webzine started up by Leeds student Kane Felton, its growing really quickly and hopefully with new staff additions can get bigger and better. It's going to be great fun writing for it.

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